past events and current events had just made me reflect so much on how i am as a person.

as much as i dont care bout how people see me or wat they think about me,sometimes,it does hurt knowing that u've been such an asshole to your friends, to your parents. such a bitch to yourself or to the people who've always listened to what you have to say.such a selfish bastard for only thinkng bout how you feel and not others around you.and for wanting something that you badly want without considering the cost of it.

i am aware that ive not been a good person overall.
i am aware that friends do hate each other.
i am aware that im demanding and very persistent .

but how far do these facts go to judge how i really am.

honestly,im not asking anyone to understand me.. that will never happen cuz even if you really have been with tat person for a long time or you've been living your years off with your siblings,sometimes,you just CANT get them AT ALL.aint it true?..

the point is.. well .there is no point.
im just trying to convey how i feel in this entry..how ive been reflecting myself for the past 12 hours or so..

how easy people forget a good deed and how easy for people to mark you with one mistake that he or she ever did.
im sure everyone is guilty of that.

really,no one have the right to judge you but then again..who in the world cares.

all i know right now.. my filet o fish meal and that damn bloody coke is making me happy.
and the fresh hair was so theraputic.

like ive said and like ive always believed.
its always better off alone.for the most shitties part of your life or when you're most happy.

cuz sometimes,in my case,it IS a crime to be happy. and it IS a feeling that will soon turn into guilt cuz ive always put people before me, (or so i believed.which i really believe.hehs.) and when i jump into the boat and row happily,there will always be an anchor pulling me down,not wanting me to feel the outmost happiness i deserve.

so therefore,at one point or rather many points of my life,i just gave up being happy and just work on how to make other people happy.cuz its more worth it.

but then,how far does it satisfy me?

at this point,i feel really low of myself.
im too caught up with making other people smile,that sometimes i forget to smile into the mirror and see how beautiful things already are and they do not need any more changes or sacrifices.

but everyday of my life, i dont even have a second to check the reflection on that mirror.to check if the mother theresa wannabe is happy herself doing all these.

i struggle alot seeking some sort of a comfort zone all these years..

and i can never find any place better to cry or laugh or just let loose with my most precious Didi and my boyfriend Arman..

but then again sometimes i do feel that ive never done enough to repay their kindess or be really there when they need me.

its always a constant battle going on in my heart.how easy for me to feel all that confidence in the world and just break it when something gets into the way..

neglect.i hate the feeling of neglect and ignorance.
and today really tells me that im the biggest cunt on EARTH.

ive never really wanted to hurt anyone.
and i know its not easy to maintain your good nature ALL the time when so much shit is happening to you.

and therefore,you started hurting people and they start having misconceptions.

no one can ever get the real reasons of whatever that's going on in your life cuz its YOUR life.no human being is going to sustain such energy to pry on your life 24/7.
and thus misunderstadings arise.

i wasnt born to please everyone.but then again i never had the intention to hurt anyone or any stranger in any way.

or worst,hurt the people i love most.
i love dearly .so dearly that i'll cry just thinking about how it'll be like losing them.

for one thing i know..kindness comes in many forms.and my kindness just happen to be in a different way.something less normal..

but this heart is always sincere..
sigh..
....

i need to get my life on track and start being a better person..

for myself

and for the peole who have brought me here..

and i am sorry ibu,abah for being the worst daughter that u can ever have.
i am sorry ibu for lying to you for being so rebellious for being rude to you when i was young
i am sorry abah for thinking of the worst about you,for bitching about you with my friends for being so rude to you.

i am sorry yayi,mak,nek mon and allyarham tok aman for ever hurting you all in any way..

i am sorry abg yayan and abg mimi for giving u guys such a hard time when i was younger..

i am sorry Didi,Yasmin for not being there most of the time when you girls needed me.For not returning your calls or msgs..for always being busy..

i am sorry Meow for the misunderstanding that we had,for not taking consideration to your feelings.

i am sorry Bunny for not cleaning up your cage on days when i was lazy,for scolding you for not buying your food on time,for not letting you out of the cage and have fun

i am sorry Mama Yah for not being able to let your wish come true.I am sorry i fell out with your son.

i am sorry my precious Nina and Nana for not making time with you although im at your house..i promise i will not do it again and not make you girls feel like how it was last time with the other kakak..

i am sorry Arman for crying my heart out during our earliest days of courting.for not telling you how i felt towards you for the last 2 years.for making you wait for me.. i am sorry for letting you in with my endless problems..i am sorry for not being there when you needed me the most.

i am so sorry for being a horrible person in any way..

i need to let these puffy eyes rest..

till then..