its difficult when you have an illness that you dont think u can cure.it have to start with you.When you are the only antidote to this sick feeling.This insecurity.well,not really insecurity but more of a high level of PARANOIA.

i've never think twice coming up with my email address. e_paranoid_diva@hotmail.com.
huh..it says it all.and ive never been more paranoid than ever for the past few days.

Sleek images,ghastly thoughts rushes in and out of my mind.Like a portal ive been transported from the past to the present and den to the future over and over again.Trapped in a massive sonic twilight zone.

Fuck i hate this feeling

It makes me sick
It makes me feel so goddamn insecure
It makes me VERY PARANOID.

it makes me wanna cry..

it makes me lose control of what's right and wrong.
its an illness.i cry evernight trying to make me think positive.
but you dont know how difficutl it is.

it makes me lose trust on my boyfriend.
it makes me lose my friends.

its taking a toll on me.
the recurring nightmares are attacking me.EVERYNIGHT.

just like the book i read .

Where they send the cuckoos to violate your private space.Your mind.They bring out the cruel truth.They make you feel scared.They trespass your every inch of feelings that creeps underneath you.They dig into your past.Its so bad,so bad,it eats you up and you wake up sweating and crying.

I've been keeping myself awake most nights.Trying not to fall sleep.AFraid of the same dream.

I'm tired.
and the vision is so real..


its gonna kill us.i know.its gonna kill me.

every moment of bliss comes by me,things just have to happen.

WHY!? WHY?! I HATE MY FUCKING PAST.
I HATE ALL THE BASTARDS THAT EVER ENTERED MY LIFE
I HATE THE "FRIENDS" THAT I CONFIDED WITH BACKSTABBING ME SO DAMN HARD.



2 years have passed.i still feel the doubt.
i still feel the pain
i stil feel uneasy


i still have difficulty trusting.ALL because of the 2 of them




its unfair to the ones tat i love.
Its unfair to think otherwise about my bf and his friend.
but the question has always been.

"how far can you trust someone"

as far as i remembered.due to the trust i put in to the ex and his bestfren.they backstabbed me.by getting together.

of course i dont give a flying fuck to them .


but what they did.
the damage they've done

it made me into this paranoid queen tat i never want to be




and it made me into this ugly person.that is driving herself crazy thinking about the worse each time.
help me.. help me help myself to get out of this mess.
i want to think free again.

its so difficult.its ever so difficult..
and i cant do it alone..


help..
i plead..
:'(