its difficult not being able to count on someone whom you really look up to.what's worse when he's always making himself busy with his friends.its the hard truth that i have to swallow that im not important to him.and he's not being bothered about it at all.the arrogance and ignorance that i get from him.all the shit that's been thrown at me.the massive cursings that i had to bear in this toxic relationship.the insecurity because of my paranoia.my stupid past came haunting me.never was there a time.where he sincerely dedicated his time just to be there for me.just to hear me out.just to comfort me like how he used to.
the words.the whispers of sweet solace.the grip of his hands that tells me that he'll be there for me when the worst struck me.his beautiful eyes that penetrates right through my deepest thoughts.it is all fading.A year and 5 months has gone past.but yet im still suffering.dampened by pressure and his un-keen-es to keep up on things that we should work on.that we should improve on.

i miss his callings at night.i miss his time balancing which did so well during our few months when we got together.im missing out on so much but yet i wasnt given freedom to explain.no room for comprising.no speech that was ever important to him.but yet i struggle.and tried to make the best out of what there is.

in the eyes of the public,im this nuisance,irritating,annoying burden.a girlfriend who never understands.but only god knows what ive been holding on to.and how much ive sacrificed for this one soul whom i love so much.

but whats the price of being sincere?
all i got from him was buckets of curses.a loadful of "you're fuckinng irritating" .unanswered phone calls.unread msgs and ignorance.im beyond hurt.this heart is beyond an unimaginable pain.


for once.today.im letting it out.cuz its too much for me.my mind was bursting out of insanity last night.screaming right on the pillow.trying to get a grip of myself.but i cant handle it anymore.there's too much hurt in this heart that you'll never know.

how could i be ok.when you dont tell me tat you're out all night with your friends.and me not knowing that you didnt go home.how can i be ok when you dont even make the effort of meeting me up.how can i be ok when a call is a huge burden to you.how can i be ok when you could do the things that i hate and expect me to be cool about it.
lastly..how can i stop my paranoia .when you keep disappearing from me..


when will you ever appreciate your parents.so it shocked you when i told you that they are sick.you didnt even know . why? cuz all the time you were out with your friends.sleeping at their homes.when you have a comfy room for yourself.endless food supply and love from your parents.and you just throw it all away.

when wil you become a responsible son.the loving bf.the caring and sincre person that you used to be.


honestly
now,i can never rely on you anymore because you are blinded by your selfishnes.You refuse to see the truth.Listen to your heart.And to feel with your heart.
Never was i one of the important person in your life

im sorry tat im not the girlfriend tat you wanted it to be.broken and tattered.but my love still prevails for you.but im hurting.do you know tat im hurting myself and you're hurting me..


ive come down to one solution..


i'll disappear away from you..and let you have all the selfish-ness that you desired for..



May Allah open your heart and let you be you again...