Its difficult to be me..Its' difficult to do something nice without anyone doubting you.I know.Tat i am so much weaker than this. How do you handle your emotions when you don't feel appreciated by the things you do for people.Especially your loved ones?Especially tat SPECIAL SOMEONE.Of course when I do something nice and go the extra mile for somebody,i dont expect anything else.Just the usual "thank you" will do. But what happens when THAT usual "thank you" passed by you just like the wind? Hurt? Thats undeniable.I WILL feel hurt and I AM hurt. What happens when you cried in the cab on the way to the A&E ward,feeling rage and sadness and you just woke up to 2 msgs saying tat SOMEBODY was badly hurt.And u rushed your way to your home from your grans and went out without even brushing your teeth,to at least brush ur hair properly and put on some powder. And when you reach there to see the blood on his pants and shoes.

What happens when you pushed your LOVED ONE on the wheelchair from one room to another.And had to calm his panic mom,telling her that things will be alright.And to get shitty services from the Counter,which had 2 SLUTS cursing me because his name on the papers were spelled wrongly.When it was the DOCTOR's fault. Which had a stupid chinese bitch to stop me at the entrance because only "1 person was allowed to accompany the patient in the A&E ward".

What happens when he thanked the "female nurse at the gig" and didnt thank you for all the things that you did for him in the evening.Did he even know how your heart wrecked seeing him bleeding? Its just a broken nose. Yeah. BUT NOT TO ME.Cuz your life is still endangered by other things. Did you even noticed how your mom looked at you.The sorrow on her face seeing her son tat way.

Your hands on his bloody palms,massaging him.Your fingers on his temples.Trying to make him feel ok.

Why does the LOVED ONE have to be so insensitive.To himself.To his parents.To me. Im not asking for much. Wat happens when the LOVED ONE told you off that he doesnt want to to talk you cuz he was feeling giddy from the injury but you could hear him talked frantically to his friends in the background.

What happens when you told him to go home now and he's still persistent to sit there and its already midnight and you are worried that he might just faint in the middle of his journey home.

What happens when he thinks that you're nagging when you are so worried sick about him and he doesnt even realised that.

What happens if all that just happened and he doesnt know why you even existed in his life.
What happened down there was..he had just squeezed your heart so badly.and you are choked by the good things you did because you were unappreciated in many ways.

Its hard .to be.
it seems easy for me to go all out for you.
but it seems amazingly difficult for you to say a simple thank you and to even reflect for watever i did for you.

Sincerity tat counts.

i dont like fake recognitions.
Do you even care or at least take concern for watever i did for you?
Do you even know i cried while praying for you safety every single day.
Do you even know i feel useless and pathethic for not being the one who saved you just now
Do you even know tat this stupid person whom you dont seem to take notice thinks about you every single second of her stupid life.Just thinking about your safety and not hers.Always putting you before hers.Always trying to make things work for you .
DO YOU EVEN FUCKING KNOW ALL THAT ZUL! DO U EVEN KNOW TAT dear.... do you....

my heart is literally in pain.im not begging for anything but my life.me.im so used to being used by people.

Everything i did for you goes unnoticed.Just like this stupid person who's typing this entry.